My Immortal With Commentary
by Luna333L
Summary: Two people commenting on the rapefic/lulzfactory that is My Immortal.  ThatCrazyGirl15 and Luna333L collab...thing.  Rated M for abuse of the English language, badly written lemons, and too many clothing descriptions.
1. Chapter 1

_**Yo!**_ _**Now, this is going to be slightly different than the other commentaries of the abomination that is My Immortal.**_ _**ThatCrazyGirl15 and I, Luna333L, are going to both be commenting on this…erm…interesting fanfic.**_ _**I'll be in bold italic, and she'll be in bold. Now, brace yourselves, and prepare to lose some brain cells**_!

**Luna, brain cells is two words. _(__Shush….changing it….there.) _But I forgive her, because she's read through this whole thing, possibly without any commentary. Now, prepare for My Immortal, hopefully made more bearable by our comments. Get ready for sarcasm and… well… Luna333L-ness._(Which is basically comedic retardation…oops…that wasn't politically correct…)_**

AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik) _**(Wow.) **_2 my gf (ew not in that way) _**(Oops, the mental images are already there, darling) **_raven, bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling. _**(I BLAME YOU!)**_ U rok! _**(No, you don't, apparently.)**_Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing life _**(Poor, poor boy. He should be more "deprzzd" than her). **_u rok 2! MCR ROX! **(Dread Raven leaving… Dread it!)**

Hi my name is Ebony **(Wood) **Dark'ness **(No Apostrophe Needed)** Dementia **(Brain Disease) **Raven **(Bird) **Way **(Path. Wood No Apostrophe Needed Brain Disease Bird Path. See, isn't that a better name?) **_**(Doomed. We're doomed. …Demented Dementia…By the way, how in the name of Merlin's saggy left…erm, Ron never finished the quote, but you get the idea...do you pronounce an apostrophe?) **_and I have long ebony black **(Darling, ebony and black are the same thing. You wouldn't say you have "ebony ebony" or "black black" something, would you?) **hair (that's how I got my name) _**(So you came out of your mama wit' long black hair? Ewww…) **_with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid _**(Honey, limpid means clear….icy blue clear eyes! I wanna see that….)**_ tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here!). _**(Gladly! Seeya! You're on your own, Crazy!) **_**(Amy Lee: lead singer of Evanescence… right?) **_**(In singsong voice…"IIIIIIII, DDDDDD, KKKKKKK!" Charming, my mom's throwing up downstairs. Her brain must be sensing this story, and is being violently ill from the HORROR!) **_I'm not related to Gerard Way **(Oh, Word… It wants to change Ebony and Gerard's names to addresses.)** but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie. _**(Oooooh, incest! *wiggles eyebrows suggestively*) **_I'm a vampire but my teeth are straight and white. _**(Uhm, defeats the purpose, doesn't it?) **_I have pale white skin. I'm also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England _**(…*Cough*Scotland*Cough*) **_where I'm in the seventh year (I'm seventeen). I'm a goth (in case you couldn't tell) _**(no, I couldn't, and I'm sad you did this to the Gothic community. You're not gothic, you're mentally unstable. *angry cat hiss*)**_ and I wear mostly black. I love Hot Topic _**(Ooooh, so INCREDIBLY goffick!*sarcasm*) **_and I buy all my clothes from there. _**(Wait, you're in the U.K., do they have Hot Topics there?) **_**(No.)**For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, _**(**__**Don't care!) **_pink fishnets **(not Goth, darling) **_**(Emo, perhaps. Microsoft word! Emo is TOO a word!)**_and black combat boots. I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, _**(I thought you had pale white skin.)**_ black eyeliner and red eye shadow. **(Just me, but… wouldn't black eyeliner and red eye shadow look horrible with pink fishnet?) **I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining _**(Motha Nature's got TALENT!) **_so there was no sun, which I was very happy about. A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them. _**(Such a wonderful little girl! Woah, long paragraph.)**_

"Hey Ebony!" shouted a voice. I looked up. It was... Draco Malfoy! _**(Le GASP!)**_** (No… No! Not my Draco! Don't drag my Draco into this! Please…)**

"What's up Draco?" I asked.

"Nothing." he said shyly. **(My Draco is not shy. You've already characterized him wrong! WHY?)**

But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away. _**(Wow. Just wow.)**_

AN: IS it good? PLZ tell me fangz!

_**I'll tell you, it most certainly is NOT! Oh, Hell, not even close to good, fang you very much. Luv ya, tho…don't slit my wrists or anything…*pats Hot Topic-Shopping, curse word-misspelling, human blood-drinking, fake-ass goffick on the head***_

**That's… it? That was the whole chapter? We don't even know why her friends called her or anything! Is that supposed to be suspense? Because, I'll have you know, I'll lose sleep over this.**


	2. Chapter 2

_**Onward! Into peril! Into fear! Into death! (Of braincells…)**_

**It's still not one word, Luna. **

_**I hate you.**_

AN: Fangz 2 bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da chapta!_**(I…Blame…YOU!)**_ BTW preps stop flaming ma story ok! _**(**__**That's right, all of those of you who are smart and go to a college preparatory school!)**_

The next day I woke up in my bedroom. _**(No! You woke up in Copenhagen! That's why you weren't speaking English in the AN! It all makes sense now!) **_It was snowing and raining again. _**(Mother Nature just loves you, doesn't she…) **_I opened the door of my coffin and drank some blood from a bottle I had. _**('Cuz, you know, everyone just keeps that in their room…)**_ My coffin was black ebony **(Again with the redundancy! It's either "ebony" or just "black wood".) **and inside it was hot pink_** (Prep!) **_velvet with black lace on the ends. **(How are there ends? It's velvet in a coffin…)** I got out of my coffin and took of my giant MCR t-shirt which I used for pajamas. Instead, I put on a black leather dress, a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black fishnets on. I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears, and put my hair in a kind of messy bun. **(Actually, I do like that outfit… Wait, is the *entire* dress made of leather?) **_**(I don't care. I really don't.)**_

My friend, Willow (AN: Raven dis is u! _**(BLAMEEEE!)**_) woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped her long waist-length raven black hair with pink streaks and opened her forest-green eyes. **_(_**_**She grinned and flipped her hair with her eyes closed. That's right, let's just drive logic into the forest and the drop it off in the middle of nowhere with no food!) **_She put on her Marilyn Manson t-shirt with a black mini, fishnets and pointy high-heeled boots. **(She's wearing a mini-skirt with a t-shirt? Is that normal? I'm terrible with fashion…) **We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation and black eyeliner.)

"OMFG, I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!" she said excitedly. _**(Like, O, M, G! I don't sound preppy at ALL!)**_

"Yeah? So?" I said, blushing. _**(*Cough*Vampire*Cough*NoBlood*Cough*)**_

"Do you like Draco?" she asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall. _**(Ya, do you?) **_**(Please no please on please no please no…)**

"No I so fucking don't!" I shouted. _**(…Harsh…*tears up*) **_**(****Yes!)**

"Yeah right!" she exclaimed. Just then, Draco walked up to me.

"Hi." he said.

"Hi." I replied flirtily. _**(I'm such a flirt, I even flirt with people I "so fucking don't" like!) **_**(Noooooooooo. Why my Draco? I'll probably be saying this a lot…)**

"Guess what." he said. **(No period. It should be a comma. Wow, I'm such a grammar Nazi… No offense meant to anyone with that statement (except possibly myself).)**

"What?" I asked.

"Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in Hogsmeade." he told me. **(Good Charlotte, I assume, is a band. Notice the "is". Besides, even Word knows it…)**

"Oh. My. Fucking. God!" _**(Prep!Prep!Prep!Prep!Preppyness!)**_ I screamed. _**(In the middle of the Great Hall.)**_ I love GC. They are my favorite band, besides MCR.

"Well... do you want to go with me?" he asked.

I gasped. _**(What's up with all the LE GASPS!)**_

_**Goodness gracious, this one needs help…besides Raven's meager attempt at helping, of course.**_

**Oh, no ending A/N from Tara? Interesting.**


	3. Chapter 3

AN: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY PREPZ OK! **(Yes, of course they'll stop flamming your story. But they won't stop flaming it.) **odderwize **(… Like otters? Cuz I like otters.) **_**(I bet she means udders! Udder. *snicker*) **_fangs 2 da goffik ppl 4 da good reveiws! FANGS AGEN RAVEN! _**(BLAME.) **_oh yeah, BTW I don't own dis or da lyrics 4 Good Chralotte. (_**But the question is, do you own them for Good Charlotte?)**_

On the night of the concert I put on my black lace-up boots with high heels. _**(**__**I DON'T GIVE! Siriusly, what's up with all the clothing descriptions?)**_** (Those boots do sound pretty cool, though. Just saying.)**Underneath them were ripped red fishnets. **(And the outfit no longer makes sense.) **Then I put on a black leather minidress with all this corset stuff on the back and front. **(Very descriptive. I'm sure I could go to Hot Topic and give them that description. I'd obviously get the dress you're wearing.)** I put on matching fishnet on my arms.I straightened my hair and made it look all spiky. **(… What? You straightened it and made it look spiky?)** I felt a little depressed then, so I slit one of my wrists. I read a depressing book while I waited for it to stop bleeding and I listened to some GC. **(… You slit your wrists because you felt a little depressed and then read a book while waiting for them to start bleeding? Unless you were waiting for the book to stop bleeding, which I would totally understand… Yeah… Sure I would.) **I painted my nails black and put on TONS of black eyeliner. Then I put on some black lipstick. I didn't put on foundation because I was pale anyway. **(Then the foundation in the last two chapters was for you to look extra-freakin-pale? Okaaaaay then…) **I drank some human blood _**(And where, may I ask, did you get that? From your readers that commit suicide, because their brains -I'll break this down for you-could…not…com…pre…hend this level of stupidity?) **_so I was ready to go to the concert.

I went outside. Draco was waiting there in front of his flying car. **(Did he find it in the Forbidden Forest sometime after 2nd year?) **He was wearing a Simple Plan t-shirt (they would play at the show too), baggy black skater pants, black nail polish and a little eyeliner (AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok!). _**(If I could understand that AN, I'm sure I'd disagree. Hey! This proves that you ARE from Copenhagen! (No offence to the Copenhagions of the world. I love you.))**_** (Well, if Captain Jack Sparrow is one "fo the kewl boiz", I suppose they do.)**

"Hi Draco!" I said in a depressed voice. _**(Yes, that's what exclamation marks usually imply. Depression.)**_

"Hi Ebony." he said back. We walked into his flying black Mercedes-Benz **(Alright, did Arthur Weasley decide to make a living selling different types of enchanted flying cars? Cuz the original was a Ford Anglia, so it can't be that one…) **(the license plate said 666) _**(Is that legal?) **_and flew to the place with the concert. **(Perhaps it was Hogsmeade? Just a guess…) **On the way we listened excitedly to Good Charlotte and Marilyn Manson. We both smoked cigarettes and drugs. _**(*face smashes into keyboard*) **_When we got there, we both hopped out of the car. We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage and jumped up and down as we _**(were about to be killed because we were IN A MOSH PIT.) **_listened to Good Charlotte.

"You come in cold, you're covered in blood They're all so happy you've arrived The doctor cuts your cord, hands you to your mom She sets you free into this life." sang Joel (I don't own da lyrics 2 dat song). _**(Of course you don't, the lyrics are spelled correctly. The power of Copy/Paste!)**_

"Joel is so fucking hot." I said to Draco, pointing to him as he sung, filling the club with his amazing voice. _**(Yes, you should totally say that to your boyfriend.)**_

Suddenly Draco looked sad. _**(Warned ya.) **_**(Maybe he was sad because he realized he had been OOC this whole time and decided to become in character again? Please?)**

"What's wrong?" I asked as we moshed to the music. Then I caught on. _**(She's like a female Sherlock Holmes!) **_**(Did anyone see the new movie?)**

"Hey, it's ok I don't like him better than YOU!" I said. _**(D'awww…how heartwarming.)**_

"Really?" asked Draco sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective. **(Noooooo! Draco is mine!)**

"Really." I said. "Besides I don't even know Joel and he's going out with Hilary fucking Duff. I fucking hate that little bitch." **(Well then.)** I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly blonde face. _**(I'm blonde…does that mean my face is blonde? Coolio!)**_

The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Draco. After the concert, we drank some beer **(You're underage. Unless… What's the drinking age in Scotland? Oh, wait, I forgot, she goes to Hogwarts in England.) **and asked Benji and Joel for their autographs and photos with them. We got GC concert tees. Draco and I crawled back into the Mercedes-Benz_** (because they were mortally injured and couldn't walk)**_, but Draco _**(died.) **_**(Luna! How could you suggest such a thing? *cries*) **_**(Don't worry, it's not your Drae-drae, its this Draco *super spy voice* Imposta!) **_didn't go back into Hogwarts, instead he drove the car **(To the actual Hogwarts in Scotland?)** into... _**(Suspense!) **_the Forbidden Forest! _**(*gasp!*)**_

_**Well, we humiliated, and then forcefully beat to death logic, reason, physics, and common sense in this chappy! (Not to mention the English language!) Wheeeee!**_

**Yay! I've never liked common sense anyway. It's overrated.**


	4. Chapter 4

_***Voldemort voice comes over a random magical intercom* TARA, I NOW SPEAK DIRECTLY TO YOU. I HATE YOU WITH THE BLAZING PASSION OF TEN THOUSAND SUNS. YOU HAVE MUTILATED THE POTTERVERSE. THERE IS NO GREATER DISHONER. COME TO ME IN THE FORBIDDEN FOREST TO MEET YOUR FATE.**_

AN: I sed stup flaming ok ebony's name is ENOBY nut mary su OK! (_**Okay, we go from Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven way to Enoby Nut Mary Su Ok. Sure, it even rhyms!)**_** (Luna, you're letting her get to you! Rhymes: spelled r h y m e s.)**_** (*eye twitches* I won the spelling bee! C'mon, Enoby, spare my brain!) **_DRACO IS SOO IN LUV wif her dat he is acting defrent! dey nu eechodder _**(wtf is an eechodder….) **_**(A disgusting otter, perhaps?) **b4 ok! **(I promise you, I never let my Drakie even see this girl… WHO IS HE AND WHAT HAS HE DONE WITH MY DRAKIE?)**

"DRACO!" I shouted. "What the fuck do you think you are doing?" _**(Ya! Die, Imposta!)**_

Draco didn't answer but he stopped the flying car and he walked out of it. I walked out of it too, curiously. _**(And we both plummeted to our deaths.)**_

"What the fucking hell?" I asked angrily. _**(As we plummeted to our deaths.)**_

"Ebony?" he asked.

"What?" I snapped.

Draco leaned in extra-close _**(As we continued to fall.) **_and I looked into his gothic red eyes (he was wearing color contacts) which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness and then suddenly I didn't feel mad anymore. **(… What? The "depressing sorrow and evilness" made you not want to feel mad anymore?)**

And then... suddenly just as I Draco kissed me passionately. **(That sentence makes absolutely no sense. At all.)** Draco climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree. _**(DAMMIT! It musta caught them as they fell…stupid mother nature. Mother Nature: What did you just say! Me: Sorry! Don't make it snow and rain again!) **_He took of my top and I took of his clothes. I even took of my bra. Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time. _**(That. Was. So. Hot.) **_**(But… wait. You were wearing… *goes to copy/paste*… "…black lace-up boots with high heels. Underneath them were ripped red fishnets. Then… a black leather minidress with all this corset stuff on the back and front.…matching fishnet on my arms…." So… Draco took off your top… the black leather mini-dress? And you took off his clothes… "a Simple Plan t-shirt…, baggy black skater pants,…" Okay… But you didn't say you were wearing a bra… so did you take off the corset stuff? Alright, assuming that's what you meant, he put his "thingie" into your "you-know-what" and you "did it for the first time". So, you did this with fishnet and black lace up heeled boots on? I suppose that's possible… but I would have assumed you were wearing underwear other than the "corset stuff", which I actually thought was built into the dress. Silly me.) **_**(Whoa.)**_

"Oh! Oh! Oh! " I screamed. I was beginning to get an orgasm. We started to kiss everywhere _**(Including that magical tree that saved your fall.) **_and my pale body became all warm. And then...

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!" _**(I YELLED!)**_** (These really are horribly misspelled…)**

It was...Dumbledore! _**(*spit take,* I love Dumbledore. That is, until he goes all Avril Lavigne on us. Seriously, that's hilarious! I just flipped my shit. Tara, you just made my day.)**_** (I think I like this Dumbledore much more than the manipulative, uncaring old bastard we see in the books. He actually cares that his students are having sex in the Forbidden Forest. Good old Dumbles. Then again, I find it hard to believe he would ever, ever swear directly at a student.)**

**Ta-ta for now, m'darlings! We'll kill more brain cells (Hint-hint, Luna) **_**(I loathe you.) **_**in the next chapter, I promise. Now the Crazy must go read Bellatrix fanfictions… CUZ I CAN. (Anyone catch the P!nk reference? Anyone?**


	5. Chapter 5

AN: STOP flaming! if u flam **(Again, we've never flammed…)** it menz ur a prep or a posr! **(I take offense to that. I am neither.)** Da only reson Dumbledeor swor is coz he had a hedache _**(**__**So he had a "He D.A. Che?" So he loved the D.A. but…cheated on it? Huh?)**_

ok an on tup of dat he wuz mad at dem 4 having sexx! PS im nut updating umtil I get five good revoiws! _**(**__**Liar, there's a chapter after this.) **_**(There are so many spelling mistakes in this A/N that I can only point out two others: "sexx" and "im nut updating umtil I get five good revoiws!" Wtf is a revoiw…)**

Dumbledore made and Draco and I follow him. **(… Reading that sentence over again… Nope, just like "Suddenly just as I Draco kissed me passionately.") **He kept shouting at us angrily.

"You ludacris fools!"_**(**__**Lololololol…I need to keep a diary, and fill it up with all the amazing insults Tara comes up with!) **_**(Ludacris… like the rapper? Or did she mean ludicrous?)** he shouted.

I started to cry tears of blood down my pallid face. **(You… You… What?) **Draco comforted me. When we went back to the castle Dumbledore took us to Professor Snape and Professor McGonagall who were both looking very angry.

"They were having sexual intercourse in the Forbidden Forest!" he yelled in a furious voice. **(Ah, Dumbledore cares!)**

"Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?" _**(**__**Dear Insult Diary,) **_asked Professor McGonagall.

"How dare you?" demanded Professor Snape.

And then Draco shrieked. "BECAUSE I LOVE HER!" **(NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! DRACO, YOU BELONG TO ME! (… and so does Bellatrix… I'm so very happy she isn't in this story…))**

Everyone was quiet. Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall still looked mad but Professor Snape said. "Fine. Very well. You may go up to your rooms." _**(**__**Okay, so what I need to do, is have sex and THEN just say it was because I love the person! What could possibly go wrong! I'll get completely off the hook(er Ebony. It's her future) Everyone needs to do this!) **_**(Snape… How could you! You're so OOC it's not funny anymore! I mean, wouldn't he be a bit annoyed, too, and punish them simply because he never got to have sex with the woman he loved? Yes, I mean Lily. It's a sad thing.)**

Draco and I went upstairs while the teachers glared at us. **(That paragraph was so amazing and long and well thought-out and wonderful and… Oh, yeah, it was one sentence.)**

"Are you okay, Ebony?" Draco asked me gently.

"Yeah I guess." I lied. **(Why'd you lie? I wouldn't lie to you, Drakey!) **I went to the girl's dorm and brushed my teeth and my hair **(Am I strange for not brushing my hair before I go to bed?) **and changed into a low-cut black floor-length dress with red lace all around it and black high heels. **(You're wearing this to go to sleep… The dress I could understand, but the lace "around" it and the heels?) **When I came out... **(Ooh, suspense and a paragraph break!)**

Draco was standing in front of the bathroom, and he started to sing "I just wanna live" by Good Charlotte. **(Looking up lyrics… Well, certainly true… "Now you're rich and now you're famous fake ass girls all know your name")** I was so flattered, even though he wasn't supposed to be there. We hugged and kissed. After that, we said goodnight and he reluctantly went back into his room.

_**^WTF?**_

**Right… until next time, beloved losers of brain cells. (Two words, Luna.)**

**_*anger*_**


	6. Chapter 6

_**Sorry for the lateness on this chapter! There was science fair, and, and my laziness, and, uh…email change! And my computer didn't back up properly…anyway. Ya. Oh, and Cissa's pen name is now "ThatCrazyGirl15" I think…hopefully I spelled that right…**_

**Yes. You may now call me Crazy as a nickname. Anyway****, we had tons of projects and stuff. We need an update schedule. Now, on to the wonderful. **

AN: shjt up prepz ok! PS I wnot update ubt,il u give me goood revows! **_(?)_ (Shit up preps, okay! Postscript, I won't update up tile you give me very good meows. Well, I think that's what it says...)**

The next day I woke up in my coffin. **(As opposed to...?)** I put on a black miniskirt that _**(DO WE HAVE TO GO OVER THE OUTFITS EVERY FREAKIN' TIME?) **_was all ripped around the end and a matching top with red skulls all over it and high heeled boots that were black. I put on two pairs of skull earrings, and two crosses in my ears. I spray-painted my hair with purple. **(You... What? Not hair die, spray paint? Didn't you already have "purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back"?)** _**(Didn't read it.)**_

In the Great Hall, I ate some Count Chocula _**(Lol. Just lol.) **_cereal with blood instead of milk, and a glass of red blood. **(Instead of mud colored blood?)** Suddenly someone bumped into me. All the blood spilled over my top. **(Where'd the cereal go?)**

"Bastard!" I shouted angrily. I regretted saying it when I looked up cause I was looking into the pale white face of a gothic boy with spiky black hair with red streaks in it. He was wearing so much eyeliner that I was going down his face **(You were going down his face! How?)**and he was wearing black lipstick. He didn't have glasses _**(Oh Heeeeeeeell, to the NO. You're kidding, Tara.) **_anymore and now he was wearing red contact lenses just like Draco's and there was no scar on his forhead anymore. _**(FUUUUUUUUUUU-)**_ He had a manly stubble on his chin. He had a sexy English accent. **(You're at Hogwarts, most of you have British accents. And he hasn't talked yet...)** He looked exactly like Joel Madden. He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him kind of like an erection only I'm a girl so I didn't get one you sicko. **(... You could have just said, "He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him,"... We weren't thinking about erections until you mentioned one...)**

"I'm so sorry." he said in a shy voice.

"That's all right. What's your name?" I questioned.

"My name's Harry Potter, although most people call me Vampire these days." he grumbled. _**(Didn't like Harry much anyway, but really?)**_

"Why?" I exclaimed.

"Because I love the taste of human blood." he giggled. **(Harry Freakin Potter *giggled*? GIGGLED?)**

"Well, I am a vampire." I confessed.

"Really?" he whimpered.

"Yeah." I roared.

**(Oh, God. I just broke a chair laughing at that. Wait... Harry's not there during seventh year. Hold the phone, Dumbledore's DEAD! When did Tara write this, her only excuse is that the six and seventh books hadn't come out yet.)**

We sat down to talk for a while. Then Draco came up behind me and told me he had a surprise for me so I went away with him.

_**(WOW.)**_

**Well, that was... I think the stupid mandatory Science Fair was more enjoyable. Ta-ta for now, m'darlings! (... What did I just say...)**


End file.
